When it comes to relationships, some things are meant for sharing – like bottles of wine and steamy bubble baths. And some things are not.
From passwords to past conquests, bodily functions to body hang-ups, there’s a reason why you wouldn’t dream of divulging such things on a first date. So if you want to maintain that ‘first-date’ feeling for a little bit longer keep your closet firmly closed – and the bathroom door while you’re at it.
1. Your toothbrushes
Remember the first time you woke up at his and had to share his toothbrush in the morning because you didn’t take an overnight bag (because you convinced yourself you were going to ‘wait’)?
Yes, it all seemed quite sexy and romantic back then when your passion transcended the perils of morning breath. But the last thing you want is to spot a bottle of heavy duty Corvisol mouthwash while you’re in the middle of using his toothbrush. There is nothing sexy about gingivitis.
2. Your beauty routine
You know the opening scene in Bridesmaids when Kristen Wiig sneaks out of bed at dawn to do her hair and makeup then sneaks back in again so she’ll look gorgeous when her partner wakes up? Well, that’s kind of weird.
But there is certainly something to be said for maintaining a modicum of mystery. What goes on behind the bathroom door should stay behind the bathroom door, particularly when it involves ‘tache bleach.
3. Your password
We’ve all been there – that awkward moment when your other half wants to use your laptop and you’ve password protected it. You want to be all easy-breezy about it because you want him to think you trust him and that you don’t have anything to hide. But what if you shouldn’t trust him and what if you do have something embarrassing on there? Not worth the risk.
4. Your bedpost notches
If you want to carry on having sex with wanton abandon – as only those in a fledgling relationship know how – we suggest you check the subject of past conquests at the bedroom door. Because no matter how well you think you know each other, one of you will inevitably throw a curved ball and leave the other one reeling in horror, or jealousy, or both. Ignorance is definitely bliss in this situation.
5. Your feelings about his Mum
He may love to moan about his mum and her eternal fussing and nagging but his mood will soon change if you deign to join in. Freud might have taken things a bit far but he was definitely onto something when he identified that unique bond between a mother and her son. Step into that sacred space at your peril.
6. Your bank statements
It’s a girl’s prerogative to sneak her shopping bags straight upstairs and cut off the price tags before showing her spoils to her boyfriend – not forgetting to hide those receipts, mind.
It’s not that you don’t deserve to splash your hard-earned cash on shoes, of course. It’s just that he won’t necessarily understand why you’ve just blown the equivalent of a flight to Paris on that sixth pair of red heels. So for that very reason, keep those statements in the same place as your receipts.
7. Your friends’ misbehaviour
The fact that your wayward best friend woke up on Saturday morning with no idea whose bed she was in and no memory of the night before might be hilarious to you but for your boyfriend this is only going to ring alarm bells – particular the next time you and said friend are going for a night out. Your friends act as an unspoken yardstick for your own behaviour so the less you know about the indiscretions of your respective mates, the better.
8. Photos of holidays with exes
Even if you remove every photo with evidence of your ex in it and show him an array of white sandy beaches, breathtaking sunsets and Buddhist temples, he’s going to see one thing only: you and your Adonis-like (in his mind) ex making mad, passionate holiday sex. Stick them in the loft and focus on creating some memorable snaps of your own.
9. Your calorie intake
You may have spent so much time studying the nutritional content tables on food packaging, you could take ‘calorie counts’ as your specialist subject on Mastermind but don’t expect him to share your enthusiasm. Quoting fat content numbers every time he tucks into a burger is second only to ordering a salad then nicking half of his chips.
10. Your weight
This is not because your weight matters to him but precisely because it doesn’t. Bounding into the room to announce you are 10st will only send him into a tailspin. He won’t know whether that’s good news or bad news, whether you’ve lost weight or gained weight – and even a misjudged raised eyebrow, let alone comment, could land him in deep trouble. So for both your sakes, keep your relationship with the scales under wraps.
11. Your jealousy
Unfortunately, jealousy can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more you feel jealous and insecure, the more moody and needy your behaviour will be and in response the more distant he will become. The more distant he becomes, the more jealous and insecure you will feel and so it goes on.
This is an unhealthy downward spiral and the only way to nip it in the bud is to silence your inner green monster and be a super chilled-out chick (on the outside, at least). Your behaviour will keep him so keen you won’t even need to be jealous.
12. Your bodily functions
Every relationship reaches that point, usually when you’ve moved in together, where you find yourself sitting on the loo doing a pee while he stands beside you, brushing his teeth. And that is exactly where the line should be drawn. Everything else is sacred.