Kalema Lawrence
The Christmas Holiday is here with over 5 days of rest. It is that time of the year again when all roads lead to the village for Christmas festivities. This years christmas will be on monday, meaning City dwellers have the whole weekend and two more days to spend time with the people from their Villages.
Masaka boys living in Kampala (not leaving out city dwellers originating from other districts) will be trooping to the villages in their hundreds, ready to paint the place red.
For many, it will be time to be with extended family once again. But for others, it is time to go back to the village and flaunt what they have. How else will villagers know you are doing well in the city?
In the city, they can’t show off because unique hairstyles, haircuts, clothes, latest fashion, big cars and whatnot abound. Nobody notices them. So they take the showing off to the village, where they will get maximum attention and adoration.
Men
Timing of these dudes arrival is normally deliberate. Never expect him to arrive at night. Hell no! How will locals see you arrive in style with the luggage and shopping at night? around noon is the best timing.
Borrowing Cars
Some will drive flashy cars to the little known dusty places they were born. Mark you, the cars do not have to be owned, many will be hired or borrowed with the aim of getting the attention of villager. They will be talking and pointing at everything with the keys to their borrowed or hired vehicles, just in case you forgot they came home driving a big car!
Playing Mr Money Bags
Beer at the small local bars will get finished and replenished as the ‘Kampala guy’ buys ‘helicopter rounds’ with the these-people-gotta-know-who-I-am attitude.
Showing off smart city kids
Each time a crowd forms, innocent children enjoying the vast village playgrounds will be recalled from exciting games to recite English poems as well as sing Christmas carols to villagers who barely understand the Queen’s language!
Now it is women
They will turn to whining about how they don’t like the village weather, how the cockerel crows noisily and everything of a sort.
May will be heard complaining that the water from the stream down the village is not safe for drinking. Why didn’t you bring Jibu water tank, full of clean drinking water with from the city. The same water they grew up drinking is now not safe for drinking and even for bathing as it will irritate their skins.
Meal time drama
Time come for meal preparation, the city mothers won’t admit at any point for their children to take village food staples. They wil be heard saying, “Cook spaghetti and Sossi for Shantel and her siblings because they do not like Cassava, it chokes them to near death”.
Lastly Slay queens
She will land in the village with her huge sunglasses, leaving some villagers wondering how such a beautiful woman works as a welder. Meanwhile, she will walk around with her selfie stick, which many will think is a walking stick gift she brought her elderly grandmother, taking pics and hashtagging them on social media.
Her makeup will be intact and her heels six inch, she does not care the village is muddy because it rained all night! Wait until she gets stuck in mud and ask villagers to help her uproot her heels from the ground!
Despite smoking shisha in the city daily, she will whine about the smoky kitchen!
By mid-day, poor girl child will be on Twitter, tweeting about how the village is a mountain of $#!t, careful not to forget to end the tweets with #IssaMess!
Christmas has wonders. For families that sent their children there before them, they make endless calls every five minutes, asking their relatives if their children have eaten, bathed, been knocked down by a he-goat or any thing of a sort.
Merry Christmas #from #Ugandan Buzz
